Your nose surgery, Ani, was a success, but the proverbial patient died. Your new nose is straight enough, but it’s as functional on your face as a straightened fish hook in a fish pond. Old Aristotle says that while the straight nose is better than the crooked, a crooked nose can also be good looking if it is proportional to your other features. Your giant Armenian eyeballs needed a partition of some kind, now your eyes look too close together. Now you look like former Cleavland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt. Did you want to look like former Cleavland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt? Because now you do.
Your face looks like a boat with a rudder too small to steer the boat.
Before, you might have looked like an eagle with a curved beak, but now you look like a possum. At least eagles make their nest in the highest ether and swoop down on their scurrying prey. Possums sleep upside-down in your tool shed and die at the hands of their arch enemy, the Ford Focus.
You’re angered when Turks demolish ancient Armenian architecture in western Armenia, but you just bulldozed your Armenian nose right off your face. You cut off your nose to spite your race. Your Armenoid nose was both your passport and your deed to those lands, now the only place you look like you belong is the Disney princess castle at Disneyland.
Look at these two characters from Disney’s retelling of the Rapunzel fairy tale. On the left is the witch, Mother Gothel, and on the right is princess Rapunzel. Notice anything familiar about Gothel? You should, because it was based on you. Well, not you specifically, but Cher. That’s you. That’s what you look like: ringlets of raven locks, gigantic eyes whose eyelids you can use as wind-sales, a matching nose and a big bulgur butt to boot. So Disney says you look like a wicked witch, but you’re my wicked witch. I don’t want princess Rapunzel’s button nose in between your cyclopean eyes any more than I want her flat, royal ass between your wide, witch hips.
Besides, no red-blooded Armenian man, nor any of our black brethren if that’s your preference, are looking too intently at your face, or anything north of your navel for that matter. If your nose was located on the back of your head or positioned right between your dimples of Venus on your lower back, then maybe you might have reason to shave it down. But even then, it would serve nicely as the horn on a saddle, the part you hold onto when a horse gallops too fast or bucks too hard.
This has been a Paper Ladle Public Service Announcement. If annoying your friends and family by incessantly sharing and linking to this article can prevent even one Armenian girl from looking like former Cleavland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt, then Ani’s sacrifice will not have been in vain.