Before the coming of Christ, Armenia’s calendar numbered 2,793 years. When Armenia was converted to Christianity, the first thing Gregory the Illuminator and the Apostles did after they destroyed the old statues and temples, was to metaphorically raise the ship of state with a jack, shift it into reverse, place a brick on the gas pedal and run the odometer backward a la Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off all the way back to the year 301. From that point until the year 2015, Armenians put another 1,715 years on the old girl, making for a grand total of 4,508 years of Armenian history.
But then came last April’s conversion and conquest of Armenia by the Kardashians. To commemorate this event, the Armenian government issued a “Kardashian bond” that raised 700 million dollars, a priestess devoted to her worship was appointed, and, of course, a new calendar was initiated as it once was 2,015 years ago.
Everything that had come before their visit has been distinguished with the notations B.K., or Before Kardashian, and everything that has happened since A.K., or Anno Kardashii.
Massive public works projects were immediately initiated to reshape and update the existing historical buildings, statues and monuments to better represent Armenia’s new reality and new values.
We are currently in year 1 A.K, and Armenia has never been the same.
The statue of Hayk, the legendary patriarch of the Armenian nation, stood in a wide stance with his bow drawn in a state of war readiness. But Anno Kardashii, Hayk’s mighty bow was put away in favor of something more happy and life-affirming, like a Spanish tango partner, commemorating Kim Kardashian’s three week stint on hit American amateur dance show, “Dancing With the Stars”.
Before Kardashian, the stiff and angular statue of Mother Armenia scowled over the capital Yerevan. Taking Mother Armenia’s place is the new and improved Mother I’d Like to Fuck Armenia. Sporting Khroma Beauty midnight black thickening and lengthening mascara from the Kardashian Kollection, M.I.L.F Armenia has exchanged a broad-sword for broad hips. Material was taken from Mesrop Mashdots’s statue and used to fill out the narrow hipped, probably Lesbian metaphor for the land of Armenia. Instead of an instrument of war, MILF Armenia wields the internationally recognized tool of peace and love: a long, floppy black dildo.
Tsitsernakaberd consisted of an obelisk and large cold slabs of stone nursing a puny flame. It had significance, but where was the utility for enjoying life? Anno Kardashii every Armenian realized they had been missing a great opportunity to eat, drink and be merry, and so a second obelisk was added to the monument complex and Mother Armenia’s old sword was re-purposed as a grill and Tsitsernakaerb was transformed into a truly monumental barbecue pit. Red meat was never more delicious when cooked over an eternal flame dedicated to the memory of a million martyrs. Able to roast seven whole cows at a time, why khrovel when you can khorovel?
Khor Virap B.K. was the 20 foot deep dungeon in which Gregory the Illuminator was imprisoned by King Khosrov. Anno Kardashii the pit’s entrance has been dilated to accommodate two visitors at a time and dug to a depth three times as deep. It has become a favorite hangout of seaman–tons and tons of seaman–which is unusual considering Armenia is landlocked and has no navy.
With Mashtots’ statue used to enhance M.I.L.F. Armenia’s hips and buttocks, something needed to take its place. What better than the eerily similar statue of Satan built for the statehouse of Oklahoma? What better motto in 2016 to take the place of Mesrop’s “To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding,” than the Satanic maxim, “Do what thou wilt“, i.e. “Do whatever you want”? Also, after so many decades, Armenian linguists finally replaced the ugly, angular letters of the Mesropian alphabet altogether, not only the orthography. The Armenian alphabet now consists entirely of emojis.