I parked my car at the Marketplace structure and was walking to the courthouse to report for jury duty when a disheveled, homeless Hispanic matron stopped me in front of the 7-11 next to Abril bookstore incoherently rambling about cars getting broken into in the area, or something. She asked if my own car was safe. I said I had no car. Her eyes widened.
“Whaat? But you are Armenian!”
What kind of an Armenian doesn’t have a car, much less a German one?
This brings us to one of the consistently top four Google queries regarding Armenians:
Google Query: Why are Armenians so rich?
The most plausible explanation of which I am aware for Armenian business savvy is the theory of old races. The theory holds that over time both the very stupid and the very brave members of a group eventually die off; the very stupid through, well, stupidity, and the brave through acts of stupid bravery, i.e. being the first to taste the poisonous mushroom or the first to sail across the unknown sea. Over time, this process leaves the racial equivalent of the manager of a chain of drug stores.
Armenians are a nation of shopkeepers
Armenia is an old, very old nation, so it makes sense that today Armenians are a nation of shopkeepers. While there are no heroes among them, there are also very few fools.
Already in ancient times Armenia was old. Armenians sent disposable canvas ships down the Euphrates to Babylon carrying casks of wine and donkeys. Here they would sell the wine and the very parts of the ships on which they sailed to the heirs of the people who invented the wheel, and then returned to the north on the donkeys (Herodotus, Book I:194). Armenians were also handling the world’s first minted coinage in the world’s first retail shops in neighboring Lydia, home of the legendary gold-lover King Midas, all while most of your ancestors were exchanging three middle aged goats for two slightly younger goats.
If you can make a good bargain with an Armenian, you can make a good bargain with the devil.
By the early 1600’s A.D., very late in Armenian history, the king of Persia was forcibly relocating Armenians from the Caucasus into Iranian cities to boost their commercial power, resulting in an economic Great Wall of Armenian merchants and artisans that left no room for the penetration of European companies into the Iranian silk trade, thus the Persian saying “If you can make a good bargain with an Armenian, you can make a good bargain with the devil.” Some two hundred years later to the west, it is estimated that the Armenians of the Ottoman empire controlled upwards of 90% of its commerce, hence the similar Turkish saying, ” A Greek can cheat a Turk; A Jew can trick a Greek; but an Armenian will trick a Jew and even Satan himself.”
After all this, why wouldn’t an average Armenian be able to scrounge up some cash to buy a Mercedes or three?
So, I see you read my article all the way through. You must have impeccable taste.
Sadly, however, Armenolgy isn’t paying what it used to. But since you have such a good eye for value, I’ll let you in on this thing I’ve got going on. See this? It’s Zaboom Laundry Detergent. I know, I know: it looks like a lot of boxes, but let me tell you, it practically moves itself. This product has a special, proprietary stain fighting ingredient–an ancient Armenian secret formula. You could potentially double your money in as little as two weeks! All you have to do is sell the initial lot, then find and let two other smart people like yourself in on this exciting opportunity, in turn they’ll find two and the two will find two and so on. Soon, we’ll have a veritable pyramid of profit!
Well, what do you say? How many boxes should I put you down for, friend?
Latest posts by Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology (see all)
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- “Why are Armenians so rude?” Answering Google Questions Re: Armenians - November 24, 2015