“Why are Armenians so rich?” Answering Google Questions Re: Armenians

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I parked my car at the Marketplace structure and was walking to the courthouse to report for jury duty when a disheveled, homeless Hispanic matron stopped me in front of the 7-11 next to Abril bookstore incoherently rambling about cars getting broken into in the area, or something. She asked if my own car was safe. I said I had no car. Her eyes widened.

“Whaat? But you are Armenian!”

What kind of an Armenian doesn’t have a car, much less a German one?

This brings us to one of the consistently top four Google queries regarding Armenians:

Why rich search bar

Google Query: Why are Armenians so rich?

Answer: Antiquity

The most plausible explanation of which I am aware for Armenian business savvy is the theory of old races. The theory holds that over time both the very stupid and the very brave members of a group eventually die off; the very stupid through, well, stupidity, and the brave through acts of stupid bravery, i.e. being the first to taste the poisonous mushroom or the first to sail across the unknown sea. Over time, this process leaves the racial equivalent of the manager of a chain of drug stores.

Armenians are a nation of shopkeepers

Armenia is an old, very old nation, so it makes sense that today Armenians are a nation of shopkeepers. While there are no heroes among them, there are also very few fools.

Midas

Already in ancient times Armenia was old. Armenians sent disposable canvas ships down the Euphrates to Babylon carrying casks of wine and donkeys. Here they would sell the wine and the very parts of the ships on which they sailed to the heirs of the people who invented the wheel, and then returned to the north on the donkeys (Herodotus, Book I:194). Armenians were also handling the world’s first minted coinage in the world’s first retail shops in neighboring Lydia, home of the legendary gold-lover King Midas, all while most of your ancestors were exchanging three middle aged goats for two slightly younger goats.

If you can make a good bargain with an Armenian, you can make a good bargain with the devil.

By the early 1600’s A.D., very late in Armenian history, the king of Persia was forcibly relocating Armenians from the Caucasus into Iranian cities to boost their commercial power, resulting in an economic Great Wall of Armenian merchants and artisans that left no room for the penetration of European companies into the Iranian silk trade, thus the Persian saying “If you can make a good bargain with an Armenian, you can make a good bargain with the devil.” Some two hundred years later to the west, it is estimated that the Armenians of the Ottoman empire controlled upwards of 90% of its commerce, hence the similar Turkish saying, ” A Greek can cheat a Turk; A Jew can trick a Greek; but an Armenian will trick a Jew and even Satan himself.”

After all this, why wouldn’t an average Armenian be able to scrounge up some cash to buy a Mercedes or three?

*****

So, I see you read my article all the way through. You must have impeccable taste.

Zaboom

Sadly, however, Armenolgy isn’t paying what it used to. But since you have such a good eye for value, I’ll let you in on this thing I’ve got going on. See this? It’s Zaboom Laundry Detergent. I know, I know: it looks like a lot of boxes, but let me tell you, it practically moves itself. This product has a special, proprietary stain fighting ingredient–an ancient Armenian secret formula.  You could potentially double your money in as little as two weeks!  All you have to do is sell the initial lot, then find and let two other smart people like yourself in on this exciting opportunity, in turn they’ll find two and the two will find two and so on. Soon, we’ll have a veritable pyramid of profit!

Well, what do you say? How many boxes should I put you down for, friend?

Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian earned his Ph.D in Armenology from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. He is the author of the forthcoming book "Armenians Invented Everything Ever: Yes, Even That"
Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Discussion15 Comments

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  1. Armen jan, I print out all your articles and put them on my refrigerator door because I’m trying to lose weight and every time I see your name I lose my appetite and want to throw up.

    So far I have lost 27 pounds! Thanks!

  2. Dear Asshole,

    Where do you get off, huh? Writing all those false things about Armenians? Is it here?———> Or maybe its over there—————–>? Huh, tell me where is it that you think you get off?

    Is it right here ——-> X. <———- Huh? X marks the spot? Is THAT where you get off?

    Maybe its somewhere down here? Is this where you get off???———–
    – –
    – –
    – –
    – – -HERE???

  3. Hi, I just read this article on Facebook and I just wanted to say to Armen, I want you inside me……I don’t care what you look like. Any man who can quote Herodotus just turns me on.

    I’m a 23 year old college student here at UC Davis. I’m petite at 4’11”, but I’m built like a brick shithouse. Most of my weight is in my lower body but I don’t have an ounce of fat on me. I’m sure you can just imagine what curvy little firecracker I am…

    Please Armen, tell me how I can contact you and you won’t regret it.

    Hera M
    UC Davis

  4. Russophobia alert! Russophobia alert!

    The subtext of this article is totally Russophobic and also a somewhat arachnophobic. (God, that was bad movie. What was John Goodman thinking. He usually only signs on to top notch projects..)

    Anyway, more Valdimir Putin, less King Midas. King Midas is past history. King Midas is water under the bridge. The water yet to flow under the bridge is named PUTIN, and we must all recognize that this water that is PUTIN will sweep away the corruption of this world like a torrent. Not the file sharing service, like a Biblical torrent. Or, maybe like a file sharing torrent if we all do our part and lend our strength to accomplishing a single goal. Yeah, exactly like a file sharing torrent, minus all the gay porn.

    When is the next “Razboynik” article, The Paper Ladle? He was a voice of sanity in your newspaper!

    • Democracy is Food

      Nyet comrade! Armenia’s only salvation is democracy! As long as Armenia is not a democracy, our Arm-Wrestling overlords will continue to loot and plunder and drive more and more Armenians out of their lands to foreign shores!

      Once DEMOCRACY takes root and everyone cast a vote for the right people, Turkey will tremble in fear of our great Democracy and give us both Ararat and Massis back!

      The tyrant in Azerbaijan will probably be so scared of our democracy that they will abandon their cities and take to the Caspian on mattresses and bathtubs!

      The potholes in our streets and our stomach both will be filled when we have a great, beautiful democracy!!

  5. What’s with that banner? Showing Gollum holding up a Mercedes hood ornament as if it were his “precious” playing on vicious stereotypes about Armenians?

    I mean, look at it: a perfect golden circle, expensive, the symbol of German luxury, shiny, light dancing off its perfectly polished surface, beckoning me….

    What’s that? You want ME to be your owner? Kill my wife?? But we could all live together!

    No, you’re right. She’ll just be jealous of what we have. No one will ever keep us apart…

    Hnnnnnnneaaawwww! Come to me, MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Pedantic, bilious, anachronistic, and querulous.

    These are all words I learned from my word of the day calendar in the past month.

    The article? Dope as fuck dawg

  7. I wonder where you come from, because you sound like another BIG looser. Loosers like you have much time to write all this shit, trust me someone conscious won’t even be reading. Why would you state that you are an Armenian and then put all that racist images and info? I know why, you are just a looser. After all of this I wish you luck, since if you are not done yet, you will be soon. Faggot

    • Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology
      Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

      Dear Faggot,

      Am I correct in assuming your name is “Faggot”? You inserted that word where a person customarily writes their own name at the end of a written message.

      Mr. Faggot, can you be more specific: which pictures or statements struck your delicate progressive sensibilities as “racist”? Because on the off chance that your name isn’t “Faggot”, you attacked me by suggesting I find men attractive, a clear case of “homophobia”, which, as a liberal fighting against racism, you should know is wrong..

      Also, you seem highly intelligent and literate, so I will assume you intended to call me a big “looser” as opposed to a “loser”, which would have hurt my feelings. But I’m not familiar with what a “looser” is. Or is that another homophobic slight directed at my anus? But you wouldn’t know anything about loose anuses, would you, Mr. Faggot?

      Anyway, my dear Faggot, I wish you the same luck that you were so kind as to wish me, and please continue reading The Paper Ladle, the San Joaquin Valley’s longest running Armenian-American newspaper of record.

      Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

  8. black people are the oldest “ethnic” group worldwide. herodotus tells us that the ethiopians and the egyptians are the same stock, black and woolly haired. antiquity is a b.s. reason. if the justification quoted above were to be given credence, then the black man would be the wealthiest on the face of the earth. additionally, after the armenian genocide, all of the armenian wealth in that region was stolen, and up to date there has been no record of “reparations”. i welcome a better response to this question because the answer presented supra is rather childish.

  9. Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology
    Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

    Dear Sir or Madame,

    My rigorous, peer reviewed treatise on Armenian wealth getting is not childish. The cartoon King Midas that accompanies the essay is irrefutable proof of that. However, you do raise a legitimate point. It wasn’t the mere fact of antiquity that makes Armenians money magnets, as you say, because Nigeria would be the banking capital of the world and Wall Street would have been called To the Window to the Wall Street. I should have said Armenia is among the oldest CIVILIZED nations on earth.

    Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

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