CALABASAS CA–In an effort regain his hot-dog eating championship, Japanese professional eater Takeyou Kobayashi has devoted his off-season to training with specialists who can improve his wiener inhaling technique. Among them is our queen, Kim Kardashian.
Kobayashi first contacted Kardashian via Twitter to ask if he could study under her tutelage. A meeting was arranged at Nobu in Malibu where Kardashian reluctantly agreed to train Kobayashi-san.
Kobayashi has developed a new technique inspired by Kim-u sensei: the daburu hando kuro hebi jutsu
“I was, like, totally flattered that Mr. Kobe Yoshi thought I could help him with his technique. I told him I didn’t know if I was qualified, but he smiled and assured me he had seen my work, so I agreed.”
“Kimu-sensei has a great-o technique-u,” says Kobayashi.
So far in their training sessions, Kardashian has eaten Kobayashi under the table.
“These competition hot dogs are usually 8 inches in length,” said Kardashian, “I eat those like cocktail wieners. I haven’t put anything less than a foot-long in my mouth since probably high school.”
From their intense training sessions, Kobayashi says he has developed a technique he calls daburu hando kuro hebi jutsu (“Two handed black snake technique”) which comprises seven steps.
Step 1: Become the wiener. If you were a wiener, how would you want to be eaten? This is the first step to conquering it.
Step 2: Vigilant Horseman Junko. As a vigilant horse rider always has both hands upon the reign even when weary, so the wiener must be seized with both hands.
Step 3: Wide Gate of Rashōmon: Prepare your throat to become as wide and sturdy as the stalwart Gates of Rashomon at Heijō-kyō which admit a hundred men standing arm in arm.
Step 4: Nostrils of Fire. Inhale and exhale through the nose as a wild stallion in winter.
Step 5: Immovable Gaze of Iron: As an Indian tiger petrifies the doe with its flashing eyes, never cease to peer into the eyes of the wiener and it will almost eat itself for you.
Step 6: Raging Flood of Sanjō Falls: Keeping one’s mouth as wet as the rocks under the waters of the roaring Sanjō waterfall is necessary to devouring any wiener, even if one must drink a little a tap water from red plastic party cup.
Step 7: Hidden Teeth of the Mother Tiger: The razor sharp teeth of the mother tiger will swiftly kill its prey, but harmlessly ferries the tender kitten hither and thither, so one must not allow their incisors or canines to puncture the wiener.
Kobayashi is grateful to his master, Kim-u sensei, and says her unorthodox methods have helped him immensely, but professes that he does not understand them all yet, especially why she insisted on dipping the hot dogs in melted chocolate before eating them.