ANKARA.–A surprise announcement by Turkish president Recep Erdogan Thursday afternoon outlined a plan for the return of Turks to the Mongolian plains.
“As salmon are compelled to return to the ponds in which they were spawned,” said Erdogan, “so anyone who truly wants to be a Turk shall swim upstream, braving all dangers, to return to their homeland.”
Erdogan stated that the reason for the return was that no one wanted them in Anatolia. “The Germans hate us, the Greeks hate us, the Bulgarians hate us, the Armenians hate us, the Kurds hate us,” said a sobbing, hyperventilating Erdogan, “the Syrians hate us, the Iraqis hate us, the Persians hate us, and the Russians hate us too.”
According to the initiative, whoever is genuinely happy “calling himself a Turk” according to Mustafa Kemal’s maxim, will join a convoy and be returned to the base of the Altai mountains where they will spend the rest of their lives milking yaks and eating horse-meat dumplings. All others will be subjected to DNA testing to determine if they are majority Greek, Armenian, Jew, Albanian, or Kurd. Four million alone in eastern Turkey who currently identify as Turks are expected to be full blooded Armenians.
Once their ethnic origin is determined, they will then be sent to reeducation camps to learn their native languages, memorize their national anthems and adopt another religion they will mostly ignore.
All cities, mountains and rivers have proactively been reverted to their old names.
Surprisingly, everyday Turks have responded positively to the initiative.
“I just realized how silly we must look,” said one citizen of Byzantium. “We are speakers of a Chinese dialect who adopted an Arabian religion who want to be part of Europe. What were we thinking?”
As for himself, Erdogan explained why he had Georgia on his mind.
“Me? I am returning to where my family is from. I even have a job lined up already. I hear without Saakashvili, the government there is short one psychopath.”
Israeli officials, however, have begged Erdogan to reconsider.
“Who, O Great Sultan of Deep State-istan,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, “will carry on the work of destroying Syria without you?”