7½ Armenian Women Being Plowed by Non-Armenians in America


DNA tests have shown that after a period of racial mixing, Armenians have had zero racial intermingling with surrounding peoples in the last 3000 years.


We are happy to see in the past few decades a little color, a little flavor being stirred into this stale Caucasian stew. We celebrate this joyous change with a list of seven and a half Armenian women being plowed by high profile non-Armenians in America.


1. “The Rock” and Lauren Hashian

Samoan/Black fake wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been giving Lauren Hashian his rock johnson for the past seven years. Hashian is the daughter of Boston rock musician John Hashian. It was announced recently that Lauren is pregnant with a child who, regardless of gender, by the law of celebrity baby names they have to name “Pebbles”.


2. Ben Affleck and Christine Ouzounian

Actress Jennifer Garner, who looks like she’s wearing a mask of a face on top of another face, thought it was a good idea to allow nanny Christine Ouzounian’s legs to trot into the home she shared with her husband, actor and notorious lady-cave spelunker Ben Affleck. Affleck, of course, immediately descended into Ouzounian’s Khor Virap.

Affleck Ouzounian

2 ½. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

Some say Jesus was black. I don’t know. What I do know is Kanye West, who thinks he’s Jesus, is plowing Armenia’s Mary Magdalen, Kim Kardashian. Kim is technically only half Armenian, hence coming in at only two and a half on this list.

KK and K

3½. Reggie Bush and Lilit Avagyan

After an on-again, off-again relationship with #2½ on this list, NFL running-black Reggie Bush is now running it up the middle of “Kim Kardashian look a like” (i.e. Armenian) Lilit Avagyan. Half Armenian wasn’t enough for ol’ Reggie. Who could settle for half a baklava?

reggie bush baklava

3¾. Aaron Paul and Lauren Parsekian, bitch!

Idaho potato-head Aaron Paul who played the role of Jessie Pinkman in TV’s Breaking Bad is plowing anti-bullying campaigner and quadroon Lauren Parsekian, whose paternal grandfather was Armenian.

Aaron Paultato and Parsekian

5¾. Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian and James Harden

The math is tricky here.  Two giant black dudes are both plowing another half-Armenian girl, but since it’s Khloe, it’s, like, a BIG half.


6. Jennifer Elia and Chaz Bono

Jennifer Elia plowed ½ Armenian Cher Sarkisian’s ½ man ½ woman ¼ Armenian progeny, Chastity “Chaz” Bono, which nicely rounds out the list at #6. I think…


7. Joe Stein and Joyce Pilibosian-Stein

For over forty years,  Joe “Donald Rumsfeld” Stein has been slipping the pastrami to Joyce Pilibosian-Stein who, as a member of the Armenian Assembly of America, obstructed the building of an Armenian genocide museum in Washington DC. Give it to her good old man. Mazeltov!

The Steins

7½. Melissa Kaye Bardizbanian and [Insert Name Here]

Remember Kim Kardashian’s sex tape? Remember how she just flopped onto her stomach and just laid there like a beached whale? Well, if you want to to see a professional do it, look no further than half Armenian, half Italian pornographic film actress Melissa Bardizbanian, better known by the name “Christy Canyon”. Bardizbanian has been plowed (multilingual pun intended) in such movies as “The Incredible Edible Christy Canyon”, “What Happens in Christy Stays in Christy”, “Deep in the Canyon”, “The Coming of Christy,” “Attack of the Monster Mammaries”, “The Good, the Bad and The D-Cups” and “Dixie Dynamite and the All-Star Tit Queens.”


Tsolig Tetevian

Tsolig Tetevian

Tsolig Tetevian graduated from Columbia and the Sorbonne with a masters degree in International Relations. She likes butterflies, yellow gummy bears and her cat, Van.
Tsolig Tetevian

Discussion5 Comments

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  1. Christy Canyon huh? I’m going to look her up right now….Wow, Christy had a body on her in these classic clips. Oh, wait. There’s a twitter account and current website for her? But she was born in 1966! That would make her…50. Don’t tell me she’s still doing porn. I’m going to click on this link and God help me if she’s still doing porn…..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! My eyes! My eyes! My beautiful Armenian eyes!…How am I going to unsee this 50 year old butthole!?!?

  2. Ouzoun in Turkish means tall. Ouzounian’s not tall, but I’ll tell you what: I feel pretty tall looking at those legs!

  3. I hope you wrote this in an ironic way to bring up sentiments against mixing with non-Armenians. We Armenians shouldn’t promote more Western Neo-Liberal poison in our community, because that will eventually result to the downfall and dissapearance of our beautiful diaspora.

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