“Why are Armenians so rude?” Answering Google Questions Re: Armenians

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When you begin to type in its search bar, Google attempts to predict what you are going to type based on recent popular search terms that begin with the same words and letters. For example if you type in the letters “do mid”, Google says “Say no more. I know exactly where you’re going with this… Midget dicks.

Do midgets have little willys

Apparently, a lot of people wonder whether midgets have midget wieners, which is very ignorant: they prefer to be called dwarf wieners.

So what are people thinking when they Google Armenians? Well, I got as far as “Why are arm” before Google displayed the following:

ArmeniadillosI don’t know why armadillos are traveling north, or why your armpits are itchy–who knows, maybe armadillos migrated north into your armpits– but I am more than qualified to offer authoritative answers on Google queries about Armenians. I am, after all, The Paper Ladle’s resident Armenian expert, Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology.

1. Why are Armenians so rude?

Answer: Hayastantsis.

If I had to define “Hayastantsi” in three words, it would be welfare-fraud, medicare-fraud and Adidas.

If you continue typing until you get the words “Why are armenian”, the second most popular search term sandwiched between “Why are armenian guys ugly” and “why are armenian guys so ugly”, is “why are armenian last names yan”. This is amazing considering  the family that (unfortunately) introduced Armenians to the general population, the Kardashians, spell their name with an “i-a-n”. People are clearly thinking of ‘yan’ Armenians when they’re asking Google why Armenians are assholes.

Ugly, so uglyWhy are Hayastantsis so rude? That’s a different question for a different day.

[READ HERE: ‘Why are Hayastantsis so rude?’ Addendum to an Answer to a Google Question Re: Armenians.]

2. Why are Armenians guys ugly/ so ugly?

Answer: Armenian women.

An Armenian girl once told me a man need only “differ a little from a monkey” for her to date him, if only he was a “good guy”. The perception that Armenian men tend to be ugly/so ugly is entirely the fault of Armenian women because they don’t select a mate based on appearance, and it’s generally not based on their “goodness” either. Armenian women, even more than most women, sell themselves to the highest bidder, and the highest bidder is usually a stubby, hirsute troll who developed a humpback bending over the balance sheets he’s been cooking.

3. Why are Armenians so hot?

Answer: Geography.

It is safe to assume from the previous query that this is actually “why are Armenian women hot?”

Well, this depends on where you’re from. If your ancestors are from East Asia or Northern Europe, you probably think Armenian women are gross, overweight, pelvis pulverizing cows. If you are from North Africa, Western Asia, or Southern Europe, you probably find Armenian women irresistible because, like me, when you were twelve years old you saw the movie Alive, and in the off chance your own plane goes down in the Andes, you and several other passengers could make three meals a day for two weeks out of an average Armenian woman’s ass-meat before feeling a single pang of hunger.

 

Next time, we will answer the Google queries “why are armenians so rich” and “why are armenians so hated”. If you have any questions about Armenians you would like me to answer in the mean time, post them in the comments section below.

Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian earned his Ph.D in Armenology from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. He is the author of the forthcoming book "Armenians Invented Everything Ever: Yes, Even That"
Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Discussion11 Comments

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  1. An Armenians guy once came up to me and delivered the worst pick up line I have ever heard in my life. He said “Do you want me to make you fall in love with me and make you cry?” I later found out he was a hayastanci.

    Now I know the difference.

    • I know what you mean. I was talking to this asian girl at a pool hall in LA (which is mostly hayastantsi now) and she asked me if I was Israeli. I said “No, I’m Armenian,” and she looked shocked and said “But you’re smiling!”

    • I’m Indian and people say the same about Indian men. They ask why are Indian women so beautiful while Indian men so ugly. I think it is cultural. We expect Indian women to be beautiful while men are allowed to neglect their physical appearance.

  2. “PhD in Armenology”, eh? Armen is ignorant of the fact that there is a country called Hayastan and the people who live there are called Hayastantsi. They don’t commit fraud where Armen lives, which I presume is Southern California.

  3. I hope you don’t write articles for a living, otherwise we’re in a big mess haha(and you won’t make it far either)

    This tool spreads intra-Armenian racism. I’m Hayastanci and I love all Armenians regardless where you were born or come from — I was born in Armenia and grew up there as well mind you.

    I run my own small business(digital marketing) in LA, I pay taxes, never committed a crime of any sort or any act/attempt to game the system, never had any encounters with law enforcement and I know many many many such other Hayastancis.

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