When you begin to type in its search bar, Google attempts to predict what you are going to type based on recent popular search terms that begin with the same words and letters. For example if you type in the letters “do mid”, Google says “Say no more. I know exactly where you’re going with this… Midget dicks.”
Apparently, a lot of people wonder whether midgets have midget wieners, which is very ignorant: they prefer to be called dwarf wieners.
So what are people thinking when they Google Armenians? Well, I got as far as “Why are arm” before Google displayed the following:
I don’t know why armadillos are traveling north, or why your armpits are itchy–who knows, maybe armadillos migrated north into your armpits– but I am more than qualified to offer authoritative answers on Google queries about Armenians. I am, after all, The Paper Ladle’s resident Armenian expert, Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology.
1. Why are Armenians so rude?
If I had to define “Hayastantsi” in three words, it would be welfare-fraud, medicare-fraud and Adidas.
If you continue typing until you get the words “Why are armenian”, the second most popular search term sandwiched between “Why are armenian guys ugly” and “why are armenian guys so ugly”, is “why are armenian last names yan”. This is amazing considering the family that (unfortunately) introduced Armenians to the general population, the Kardashians, spell their name with an “i-a-n”. People are clearly thinking of ‘yan’ Armenians when they’re asking Google why Armenians are assholes.
2. Why are Armenians guys ugly/ so ugly?
Answer: Armenian women.
An Armenian girl once told me a man need only “differ a little from a monkey” for her to date him, if only he was a “good guy”. The perception that Armenian men tend to be ugly/so ugly is entirely the fault of Armenian women because they don’t select a mate based on appearance, and it’s generally not based on their “goodness” either. Armenian women, even more than most women, sell themselves to the highest bidder, and the highest bidder is usually a stubby, hirsute troll who developed a humpback bending over the balance sheets he’s been cooking.
3. Why are Armenians so hot?
It is safe to assume from the previous query that this is actually “why are Armenian women hot?”
Well, this depends on where you’re from. If your ancestors are from East Asia or Northern Europe, you probably think Armenian women are gross, overweight, pelvis pulverizing cows. If you are from North Africa, Western Asia, or Southern Europe, you probably find Armenian women irresistible because, like me, when you were twelve years old you saw the movie Alive, and in the off chance your own plane goes down in the Andes, you and several other passengers could make three meals a day for two weeks out of an average Armenian woman’s ass-meat before feeling a single pang of hunger.
Next time, we will answer the Google queries “why are armenians so rich” and “why are armenians so hated”. If you have any questions about Armenians you would like me to answer in the mean time, post them in the comments section below.
Latest posts by Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology (see all)
- “Why are Hayastantsis so rude?” Addendum to an Answer to a Google Questions Re: Armenians - February 25, 2016
- “Why are Armenians so rich?” Answering Google Questions Re: Armenians - January 5, 2016
- “Why are Armenians so rude?” Answering Google Questions Re: Armenians - November 24, 2015