The organization known as the Federal Unified Coalition of Kurdish Unctuous Apologizing Regarding Massacring Every Non Islam Armenian Neighbor Society, or F.U.C.K.U.A.R.M.E.N.I.A.N.S. for short, has added another belated, legally non-binding apology for the Kurdish rape and pillage of the Armenian nation in 1915.
Latif Goran, spokesman for F.U.C.K.U.A.R.M.E.N.I.A.N.S. addressed a packed crowd of mostly elderly Armenians at the Fresno Community Center.
“Turkey denies what happened to the Armenians,” said Goran, “but we Kurds know the truth. We know because Kurds were the ones who cut your grandmothers’ throats and then raped their headless corpses. My grandfather still has a very sturdy walking stick made out of a bundle of Armenian tibias. Tibias? Tibulae?–I can never get Latin pluralization… Lots and lots of leg bones.”
Goran then coughed loudly into his fist, blurted what sounded like “we get to keep the land though”, coughed once more, cleared his throat and then continued.
“Oh, it happened, the genocide. We Kurds know. We were right there. Everyone in my village knows what happened to the Armenians. My own grandmother was probably an Armenian, though she could never say so with her tongue cut out and pickled in a mason jar in our cellar.”
Goran then paused, his nostrils twitched and his head tilted back to sneeze, only when he sneezed it sounded a lot like the phrase “possession is 9/10 of the law”. The Armenians in attendance blessed him in unison. “Thank you,” said Goran, and then muttered, “That’s legally binding.”
“I’m not the most eloquent speaker,” said Mr. Goran, “But what I’m trying to say is this: our house is made entirely out of Armenian baby teeth.”
As Goran exited the stage, he passed by an elderly Armenians woman to whom he extended his fist and said, “We cool, dog?”