Browsing: The Scoop


On April 2, Azerbaijan launched a military offensive against the Armenians of Nagorno-Karabakh using state of the art weapons acquired from both Russia and Israel. But while Russia sells Azerbaijan weapons as benign, pragmatic, and wise chess moves, Israel sells weapons to kill Armenians.

Video captured of a drone buzzing overhead before plunging into a bus full of Armenians has been all but confirmed as an Israeli made “suicide” drone.

The Washington Post report said the “kamikaze” unmanned aircraft destroys targets by ramming into them. The aircraft’s distinct wing shape and nose have lead observers to speculate that it is indeed the Israeli made IAI weapon.

The report also said that it targeted a bus full of “Armenian volunteers,” killing seven since fighting broke out over the past several days.

Kamikaze drones are just a small part of Azerbaijan’s cache of sophisticated Israeli weapons of death:

In 2012, a $1.6 billion transaction involving the sale of weapons by Israel Aerospace Industries to Azerbaijan was reported. Over the past three years, Azerbaijan has become an even more significant destination for Israeli arms exports.


Thankfully,  Mother Russia, though not Wicked Step-Mother Israel, supplies advanced weaponry to Armenia, often at a discount with


Before the coming of Christ, Armenia’s calendar numbered 2,793 years. When Armenia was converted to Christianity, the first thing Gregory the Illuminator and the Apostles did after they destroyed the old statues and temples, was to metaphorically raise the ship of state with a jack, shift it into reverse, place a brick on the gas pedal and run the odometer backward a la Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off all the way back to the year 301. From that point until the year 2015, Armenians put another 1,715 years on the old girl, making for a grand total of 4,508 years of Armenian history.

But then came last April’s conversion and conquest of Armenia by the Kardashians. To commemorate this  event, the Armenian government issued a “Kardashian bond” that raised 700 million dollars, a priestess devoted to her worship was appointed, and, of course, a new calendar was initiated as it once was 2,015 years ago.

Everything that had come before their visit has been distinguished with the notations B.K., or Before Kardashian, and everything that has happened since A.K., or Anno Kardashii.

Massive public works projects were immediately initiated to reshape and update the existing historical buildings, statues


President Barack Obama says he’s “Uhhhhhhhhhhh…troubled” by the direction Turkey’s sunken-eyed leader is taking his country, especially when it comes to freedom of the press.

In a news conference at the end of the Nuclear Security Summit on Friday, Obama was asked whether he thought Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was an authoritarian.

Obama said he’d told Erdogan that “there…uhhhhhhhhhhh…are some….uhhhhhhhhhhhh…trends within Turkey that I’ve been…uhhhhhhhhhhhh… troubled with.”

“I’ve said to President Erdogan…uhhhhhhhhhh…to remind him that he came into…uhhhhhhhhhh…office with a promise of…uhhhhhhh…democracy, and Turkey has historically been a country in which deep Islamic….uhhhhhhh….faith has lived side by side with….uhhhhhhh…modernity and an increasing…uhhhhhh…openness,” Obama stammered. “And that’s…uhhhhhhh…the legacy that he should…uhhh… pursue rather than a strategy that involves… uhhhhhhhhhh… repression… uhhhhh… of …. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…information and shutting….uhhh… down…uhhh… democratic…uhhh… debate.”

The comments, however cautious, were nonetheless striking because U.S. officials generally try to avoid offending Turkey, whose help is considered crucial in arming and supllying the Islamic State, the terrorist network that has greatly inconvenienced the writers of FX’s hit animated TV show, Archer.


In Turkey today, it is being said that the Kurds are the new Armenians. The parallels are indeed striking. Marxist political parties, the PKK and YPG, (formerly the Dashaks and Hunchaks) financed by foreigners, are committing stupid and self-defeating acts of terrorism for the purpose of establishing an independent nation. Russia has positioned itself as noble protector of the Kurds in Syria, while Israel and the U.S. are supporting their ambitions in Iraq for no ulterior motives whatsoever.

Keep it up Kurds! If all goes according to plan, you too, like the first Armenia republic, will have an independent nation for 2 whole years before being absorbed into the Soviet/Eurasian Union for 70 years, followed by 20 years of stagnation, corruption and emigration.

Anyway, if Kurds are the new Armenians, then ISIS is the new Kurds. Sure, ISIS mass murders pretty good, I guess. But with more practice, they could turn it into an artform like the Kurds. The Kurds have not one but two genocides under their belt, the Armenian and Assyrian genocides. Now the Kurds want independence for some reason, despite the fact that they have all of south eastern Anatolia all to themselves, the very


A few years ago I was standing in the now closed Brand Bookshop in Glendale CA. discussing America’s war in the South Pacific with its Japanophile owner Jerome Joseph, an old white American, who at one point insisted on guessing what sort of Armenian I was after correctly guessing that I was Armenian.

“You,” he said confidently, “must be an Armenian from Iran.”

“No,” I said, “but I know what you mean.”

I think we all know what he meant, even those Armenians who responded with cries of “racism!” to my answer “Hayastantsi” to the top Google query “Why are Armenians so rude?” Even Americans are beginning to differentiate between different groups of Armenians, in this case between the common Adidas draped “beezness man” Hayastantsi and all other groups. I say “even Americans” are beginning to differentiate between Armenians because Americans have overwhelmingly deserved their own top Google query: “Why are Americans so stupid?”

why are americans stupid

Let those Armenians, American-Armenians all of them I’m sure, be careful not to take the maxim “When in Rome…” too far lest they become as stupid as the natives of the country whose knowledge of peoples and nations is limited to where on


The West is not only where the sun goes to die every day, it is where in today’s world morality, conservatism, family, healthy diet, marriage, heterosexuality, apostolic Christianity, and political wisdom have gone to die. But like our world’s star, it is in the East that all of these virtues have risen again, hoisted back into the heavens on the shoulders of the Great Czar of the Eurasian Union, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

Western governments spread chaos and revolution. Western media spreads Russophobia, misinformation and propaganda. Western corporations enslave and exploit countries in the third world. Western Union charges a ten per cent fee on money transfers overseas. Western Bacon Cheeseburgers spread obesity and raise the risk of heart disease.

The West wants to drive a Western wedge between the emerging anti-Western alliance forming among the Russian Bear and its menagerie of allies, the Chinese Dragon, the Indian Tiger, the Brazilian Macawe, and the South African Elephant Shrew.

Trinity Compass

The problem is the West, and so the solution is clear: the cardinal direction “West” must be erased from every GPS, printed map, sundial, road sign, weathercock and boy scout’s compass and the world must convert to a three point


SOMEWHERE IN RUSSIA–Russian-Armenian pornographic film actress who goes by the name Varda, does absolutely the most Armenian-womany thing imaginable during a shoot.

Less than seven minutes into fellating her co-star, whose name is probably Vladimir, Varda seems to think the whole thing is taking too long. While being re-positioned, she takes the opportunity to perform an epic eye-roll that was caught on camera.

You can take the girl out of Armenia, but you can’t take Armenia out of the girl. If instead of rolling her eyes, Varda had at that exact moment broken out into a rendition of the Armenian national anthem, it would still have been less of a give away that she’s an Armenian woman.

varda eye roll with black bars red arrows
Look up, Vlad. You’re getting eye-rolled, bro.

And just imagine: she’s being paid to have sex. Cash. Up front. Yet she’s still making faces!

This is a look into your future, John, and your futures too, Juan and DeShawn. This is what you can expect from your Armenian wives: being nickel-and-dimed for every moment of physical intimacy, and even then, during the deed, they’ll still drag their feet, or whichever body part is involved. Armenian women keep a ledger of what they do


Nigger, Nip, Mick, Spic, Yid, Jap, Wop, Kike, and Armo.

Only one of these is a slur. Let’s find out which one.


“Nigger” is simply the Latin word for black, niger. Is calling black people black in another language bad? No, of course not. Besides, how can it be a slur if black people have the word on their tongues more than Colonel Sanders’ secret sauce?

Verdict: Not a slur.

“Nip”, “Jap”

Nip is short for “Nippon” which is what the Japanese themselves call the land of Japan. So what about “Jap”? Jap’s just the first three letters of “Japanese”. Is it a slur to call someone Japanese? If anything, you honor them by saving them time. Japs are a punctual people.

Verdict: Not a srur.


I thought “spic” was a variation of Hispanic, but the truth is even less offensive than that. Wikipedia says “Spic” is short for “spiggoty”, as in the phrase heard throughout the American pacific southwest: “No spiggoty English.”

Verdict: Hilarious/not a slur.

“Yid”, “Kike”

“Yid”, like Jap, is only the first three letters of “Yiddish”, while the word “kike” was coined by


The organization known as the Federal Unified Coalition of Kurdish Unctuous Apologizing Regarding Massacring Every Non Islam Armenian Neighbor Society, or F.U.C.K.U.A.R.M.E.N.I.A.N.S. for short, has added another belated, legally non-binding apology for the Kurdish rape and pillage of the Armenian nation in 1915.

Latif Goran, spokesman for F.U.C.K.U.A.R.M.E.N.I.A.N.S. addressed a packed crowd of mostly elderly Armenians at the Fresno Community Center.

“Turkey denies what happened to the Armenians,” said Goran, “but we Kurds know the truth. We know because Kurds were the ones who cut your grandmothers’ throats and then raped their headless corpses. My grandfather still has a very sturdy walking stick made out of a bundle of Armenian tibias. Tibias? Tibulae?–I can never get Latin pluralization… Lots and lots of leg bones.”

Goran then coughed loudly into his fist, blurted what sounded like “we get to keep the land though”, coughed once more, cleared his throat and then continued.

“Oh, it happened, the genocide. We Kurds know. We were right there. Everyone in my village knows what happened to the Armenians. My own grandmother was probably an Armenian, though she could never say so with her tongue cut out and pickled in a mason jar in our cellar.”


When the great William Saroyan’s head was thawed out of suspended animation, his head joined The Paper Ladle under the condition that after all these years of being misquoted on motivational posters he would have a chance to say and write whatever he wished.

That said, he insisted on writing something about internet porn. The Paper Ladle does not necessarily agree with Mr. William Saroyan’s head’s views.

Saroyan on Porn

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