Author: Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology

Dr. Armen Armenian earned his Ph.D in Armenology from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. He is the author of the forthcoming book "Armenians Invented Everything Ever: Yes, Even That"


A few years ago I was standing in the now closed Brand Bookshop in Glendale CA. discussing America’s war in the South Pacific with its Japanophile owner Jerome Joseph, an old white American, who at one point insisted on guessing what sort of Armenian I was after correctly guessing that I was Armenian.

“You,” he said confidently, “must be an Armenian from Iran.”

“No,” I said, “but I know what you mean.”

I think we all know what he meant, even those Armenians who responded with cries of “racism!” to my answer “Hayastantsi” to the top Google query “Why are Armenians so rude?” Even Americans are beginning to differentiate between different groups of Armenians, in this case between the common Adidas draped “beezness man” Hayastantsi and all other groups. I say “even Americans” are beginning to differentiate between Armenians because Americans have overwhelmingly deserved their own top Google query: “Why are Americans so stupid?”

why are americans stupid

Let those Armenians, American-Armenians all of them I’m sure, be careful not to take the maxim “When in Rome…” too far lest they become as stupid as the natives of the country whose knowledge of peoples and nations is limited to where on


I parked my car at the Marketplace structure and was walking to the courthouse to report for jury duty when a disheveled, homeless Hispanic matron stopped me in front of the 7-11 next to Abril bookstore incoherently rambling about cars getting broken into in the area, or something. She asked if my own car was safe. I said I had no car. Her eyes widened.

“Whaat? But you are Armenian!”

What kind of an Armenian doesn’t have a car, much less a German one?

This brings us to one of the consistently top four Google queries regarding Armenians:

Why rich search bar

Google Query: Why are Armenians so rich?

Answer: Antiquity

The most plausible explanation of which I am aware for Armenian business savvy is the theory of old races. The theory holds that over time both the very stupid and the very brave members of a group eventually die off; the very stupid through, well, stupidity, and the brave through acts of stupid bravery, i.e. being the first to taste the poisonous mushroom or the first to sail across the unknown sea. Over time, this process leaves the racial equivalent of the manager of a chain of drug stores.

Armenians are a nation


When you begin to type in its search bar, Google attempts to predict what you are going to type based on recent popular search terms that begin with the same words and letters. For example if you type in the letters “do mid”, Google says “Say no more. I know exactly where you’re going with this… Midget dicks.

Do midgets have little willys

Apparently, a lot of people wonder whether midgets have midget wieners, which is very ignorant: they prefer to be called dwarf wieners.

So what are people thinking when they Google Armenians? Well, I got as far as “Why are arm” before Google displayed the following:

ArmeniadillosI don’t know why armadillos are traveling north, or why your armpits are itchy–who knows, maybe armadillos migrated north into your armpits– but I am more than qualified to offer authoritative answers on Google queries about Armenians. I am, after all, The Paper Ladle’s resident Armenian expert, Dr. Armen Armenian, Ph.D Armenology.

1. Why are Armenians so rude?

Answer: Hayastantsis.

If I had to define “Hayastantsi” in three words, it would be welfare-fraud, medicare-fraud and Adidas.

If you continue typing until you get the words “Why are armenian”, the second most popular search term sandwiched between